I’m going to tell you a
secret. It’s a very old and cherished secret. It’s how to drink yourself into a
stupor, and then drive yourself home safely right afterwards. Are you ready?
It’s right here..I filed it next to some other similar stories so I wouldn’t
forget it...Hmm, The Tooth Fairy, no that’s not it. Aladdin’s lamp? No, that
has nothing to do with drinking. How to tame Unicorns in five easy steps. Nope.
This last one has to be it, let’s see...Lead into Gold for dummies. No. Now
where did I put that secret?
Did you notice anything
about those stories that I filed my drunk cure next to? If you said that they
are all make believe or fantasies, you’re absolutely right. Why would I file my
drunk cure story with those other ones? Simple, because the idea of drinking
yourself into a stupor and then driving yourself home safely right afterwards is as much a myth
as unicorns, alchemy or anything else. If you are human (and I assume you are
because you’re reading this, but if not, welcome to Earth!) you simply cannot
drink yourself stupid, then drive home safely. Can you drink excessively then drive
home and make it in one piece? Absolutely. Miracles happen every day, and there
is that occasional drunk who manages to stay coherent long enough to drive
himself or herself home without major incident. But those are the exception to
a very large rule. Most people who drink and then try to drive home end up
doing nothing but making more business for funeral home directors and
gravestone engravers. I’m sure those are great people, and you will give them
your business at some point, but it doesn’t need to be now.
So getting back to the
topic at hand. Is there a way to drink waaaay too much and get home safely?
Yes, but it doesn’t involve you having anything to do with the driving. It
involves you either walking home (not recommended because your chance of
getting hit by a car or doing something that might land you in jail is greater)
taking a bus, or getting a cab or some other person, who is sober, to drive you home. That’s
it. Human beings cannot drink to excess and then drive a car safely. I don’t
care who you think you are, how long you’ve been drinking, how strong or how
healthy you are, it just doesn’t work that way. What needs to happen is that
you go to your bar or buddy’s house, drink until you see two of everything,
then find a way home that involves you not operating a car. Period. End of
story, Elvis leaving the building level of finality.
And before I go any
further, I get it. I’m an American, writing and living in America (Arizona
actually, but still America). We love our independence. We love the idea that
no one tell us what to do, and we take care of ourselves. We love our cars and
the freedom they give us. The last thing we want to do is rely on someone else
to do such a mundane thing as take us home from a party. I understand all of
that. Now I’m going to tell you why you need to ignore all of that when you’re
drinking, because it truly is a matter of life and death.
So knowing that, how do
you get home safely from a night (or a day, or a day and a night) of drinking?
Like anything else in life that’s done well, the real secret to drinking and
getting home safely is pre-planning. Get one of those cab apps or ride home
apps on your phone that let you get a cab or a ride with a swipe of your
smartphone. Arrange for a designated driver to join your party so he or she can
drive you home. And another secret here. Take care of your designated driver.
Make sure you buy them as many sodas as they want (many bars or clubs will give
DD’s (designated drivers) free sodas while they are there, so take advantage of
that if it’s available.) Also, if there’s food there at the place you’re
partying, buy the DD dinner, or buy the DD dinner before you go out (you should
be drinking with a full stomach anyway, but more on that later). Designated
drivers are very often ignored as people get drunker and their attention span
falls. This leads some of them to get fed up and either start drinking
themselves, or abandon you altogether. You should think of yourself as a
good host for your DD, and make sure they are taken care of while you are
partying. Don’t forget about them, so they won’t forget about you when it's time to leave.
Another tip: eat before
you start drinking. Even if you just go to Mickey D’s and grab a greaseburger and some
cardboard fries, it will be better than nothing. Having a full or partially
full stomach before drinking makes it possible to lessen the effects of the
alchohol. I don’t say this so that you can slam more tequila shots or prove
your strength by chugging full bottles of Bacardi 151. I say it because having
a full stomach while you drink will allow you to pace yourself, and it can make
you less drunk, and less helpless as the night goes on.
So now let’s say that
you have done the bad thing, forgotten about your DD (or forgot to get one
planned for in the first place) What do you do? You are truly in a bad spot here. The best option for you is to call a friend or family member or cab to come pick you up. Wait in the bar or club as long as you can. If no one comes, do not, I repeat do not, enter your car. If you get in your car drunk even if you don't start it, you can get slapped with a DUI
(driving under the influence) or a DWI (driving while intoxicated) just because
you entered the car, and that is because entering the car is a precursor to
driving it, and if you got in it drunk, it wont take a judge long to side with
the police and accuse you of drunk driving. And they’d be right to do that. Wait at the bar as long as you can, and then if no one answers your phone, walk home. It will suck to walk home, because you will be in a bad state, but as long as you stay on the sidewalk, and you don't make a nuisance of yourself by being loud or doing anything to harm anyone else, you can't be arrested for being drunk and in public in most places. Get home as best you can, and make a note to make sure you don't get in this situation again.
Another important point
to raise here is the condition of the DD or ride to drive you. If you suspect
your DD or ride has been drinking (another good reason to keep the DD with you
as you party and take care of them, that way you can monitor that they have
been staying sober all night), or if it’s very late and you suspect them of
being too tired to drive (which is just as dangerous as driving drunk) do not
hesitate to either refuse to get in the car with her or him, or insist that
they stop the car and get out. From that point call someone else or walk home
or sit down and try and sober up. Any of those will be preferable to
dying
The last thing I’ll say
here is watch how much you drink. It’s important to pace yourself with your
drinking. The alcohol isn’t going anywhere. There’s no reason to slam 20 shots
in an hour. Get yourself a drink, nurse it, and enjoy it. Alcohol is
expensive, so drink things that taste good, don’t just drink for effect. Your
drink should take you five minutes to finish at least (And I’m talking drink
here, not shots. Shots are literally just wastes of alcohol designed to get you
slammed quick. I would avoid this route if you are out, as shots lead to drunkenness, and bad decisions much quicker than nursing drinks.). If it’s taking you
only a minute or two, you need to slow down, as you are going to get drunker
quicker and potentially be out of control or be more able to be taken advantage
of, something else we are going to talk about now, especially as it relates to
women and drinking.
Women, be careful with
whom you drink. We have all heard of date rape drugs, but not many people realize how easy it is for them to be given to a woman. All it takes is for you to turn your head and look at the far end of the bar for a few seconds, and a jerk can slip a date rape drug into your drink. And don’t think it
doesn’t happen Sadly, it happens far more than is reported, because so often women who are victims of this kind of crime assume that they just drank too much. So be careful, especially on dates. Do not have more
than one or two drinks, and make sure they are with dinner, either before or
during. And I would avoid drinks altogether If it’s a first date or meeting. If you are going to be out, and you want alcohol, get a beer, especially a long neck. A bottle like that is
going to be much harder to get a pill into, which makes you safer. Also, keep
your drinks close to you. A lot of times people aren’t too cognizant about
where they place things, and drinks end up in the middle of the table. If you
don’t know the person you’re with too well, it would be easy for him to slip something in to the drink while you aren’t paying attention, so keep the drink close to
you.
Ladies, you also need to
keep your wits about you, and obey your red flags. If you get a vibe that
someone is out to harm you, obey it and don’t give them the chance. There are a
lot of men whose idea of a good time is to ask a woman to drinks, then get her
as drunk as possible so they can get her unconscious enough to have their way
with them. This goes on all the time, as there are many men whose skill with women is so
weak that is the only way they have to get a girl. Don’t be the next victim.
Don’t assume that everyone is good or that everyone wants the best for you.
Many don’t. This is getting a bit away from my original topic, but it’s important
enough to merit this aside.
And another myth is the
myth of distance. The myth that whispers in your ear like those old movies
where a devil appears on one shoulder whispering in your ear while an angel is
on the other shoulder. The devil whispers that your home is only a block (or
a mile, or two miles, or ten miles) away, and that it’s a short drive, you can
make it, you do every day. The devil that tells you everything is OK, and that
you are a good enough driver to take this driving drunk crap. I have news for
you, don’t listen. I don’t care how good a driver you are. I don’t care if
you’ve won awards or if you have gotten safe driver bonus checks from you
insurance company so many times they made a stamp up for your name so they
wouldn’t have to write it anymore You aren’t that good, and it’s not because
you lack skill, it’s because you’re human.
What most people don’t
know about drunk driving is that it really isn’t drunk driving-its tired
driving. Most people exhibit behavior that is more closely related to passing
out tired than anything else. That is why driving drunk is so dangerous. You
literally lose consciousness and become a passenger in a car you should be an
operator in. Sure, there is lack of motor skills (your skill to react to things
in a timely manner and operate the controls properly) but what really is
dangerous is passing out. And this is what accounts for the low level of
fatalities for the drunk driver in accidents. He or she is literally in a
relaxed, sleep like state when they lose control. They don’t tense up, they
don’t have any, "oh crap I’m going to die" moments. In fact, they have no idea, so
they are relaxed, and ride out the accident in fine form, appearing from the
wrecked car with a look of where am I and how did I get here?
And if you need any more
inspiration to not drive drunk, I leave you with this lovely thought. Imagine
that you were responsible for killing the love of someone’s live. The baby they
had been waiting to have for years. The son that had been accepted to the Naval
Academy and had shown such promise. The wife that someone had just married and
had struggled long to find. That husband or boyfriend that finally was good to
someone. That mom or dad whose protection and wisdom had been making all the
difference as someone went through a tough transition. One night driving drunk
takes all of this away. Think how you’d feel waking up in jail, knowing that
you, because of one stupid act, had destroyed someone’s life. Imagine looking
in the mirror every day and seeing that. Imagine going through life knowing
that you ripped someone’s life apart. How would that feel? Not good, right? So
keep that in mind the next time you are tempted to drink and drive. Until next time...
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